Leola Root Jam.
by devilwentdown
Summary: Back on Earth. After a month the crew is getting a bit bored and what is with Harry and Leola root jam.......Some small bit will be revealed here. PART TWO UP!!!!!!
1. Default Chapter

bonham cater.

Hello everyone I'm back and in my usual form. My apoligies for that god awful fic I posted a few days ago. But it had it's uses and got me out of my writers block and now I'm back to my insane form! Mhahahahahahaha! I will rule again. Oops I wasn't supposed to say that aloud. Oh well let's get this show on the road.

Disclaimer: the big people at paramount own everything in this except Lea I (as usual) own her. Don't sue me I drank all my money at the weekend so you won't get much.

After a massive party top celebrate their return the crew all went their separate ways. Tuvok went to Vulcan and the doctor went his own way. Tom and B'lanna moved in with tom's parents. The captain is living in San Francisco being very bored. Chakotay and Seven have moved in together. Harry is living with his parents, Echeb is going to the academy and lea is going there too as a professor of late twentieth century culture.

Tom, B'lanna, the captain, Chakotay, Echeb and Lea (read new girl in town, the date my captain project) are all in the real Sandrine's on earth celebrating.

B'lanna: I'm going to kill tom's parents. They are driving me insane! His mother is constantly at me to do this and do that and go to stupid charity functions. 

Capt: poor you. I love san Francisco. It such a pretty city but it is getting rather boring.

Chakotay: I love seven she's great. Whoa go seven (does a kind of cheerleader type move)

B'lanna: (whispers to captain) definitely somethingwrong there no one is that happy in a relationship. 

Capt: (whispers back) stop being mean they're happy.

B'lanna: (whisper) so you not in love with him any more?

Capt: (whispers) I was never in love with him what gave you that idea?

B'lanna: (whispers) you constantly staring at his ass, you having dinner with him, the whole being in love with him thang.

(they are interrupted when Echeb and lea run in half an hour late)

Echeb: captain, commander, lieutenants, seven you have my most sincere apologies for being late.

Lea: yea ditto… where's the drinks?

Tom: what do you want?

Lea: jack Daniels and coke

Echeb: an orange juice

Lea: so how is every one?

Everyone: great fabulous

Lea: I love my job today I had my class listening to eminem and tomorrow they all have to come up and perform one of his songs. It'll be so funny

Capt: so Echeb how's the study going?

Echeb: it is interesting but it does move very slowly. It's not as challenging as being on voyager was.

B'lanna: I miss voyager

Tom: me too (puts down the tray with drinks on it) lets make a toast …. To Voyager!

Everyone: To Voyager!

(several hours later everyone else has left the bar leaving only the barman and the former crew of voyager. Who at his stage are very drunk and plotting.)

Capt.: I say we take (hiccup) voyager back

B'lanna: yea I wanna yell at people again

tom: let's go back to the delta quadrant!

Chakotay: yea let's go kick more Borg ass!

Tom: I thought you loved Borg

Chakotay: no I don't

Tom: then what about seven she's all borgy

Chakotay: no she's not!

Tom: yea she is

Chakotay: no she's not

Tom: YES SHE IS

Chakotay: NO SHE'S NOT!

Tom: do you want me to get a picture of her and show you how borgy she is? The implants? Not just on her face. That ridiculous too tight suit she wears? The fact she sleeps in a burg alcove? What are you not getting?

Chakotay: I thought you were saying burger and she is not a burger.

Tom: idiot. Just admit your wrong.

Chakotay: you want me to demote your ass back down to ensign?

Tom: sir no sir. Seven is not a burger sir. Sorry you misheard me sir.

Lea: (returning from the bar) everyone I love you! You are my bestestestest friends. Gimme a hug.

Echeb: (stone cold sober after being on orange juice all night) maybe we should leave. It is rather late.

B'lanna: no I don't wanna. (breaks into song) cause all I wanna do is have some fun and I got the feeling I'm not the only one!

Capt: whoa go on B'lanna show them what voyager women are made of

(that's all the encouragement she needs to get up on the pool table and dance)

tom: that's my wife I'm so proud

Chakotay: go b'e go b'e go go go b'e!

(the barman comes over) 

barman: come on folks time to leave

Capt.: hey no we won't go!

Chakotay: we the hero's of voyager you can't kick us out!

Barman: wanna bet?

B'lanna: you wanna fight? fight me!

Barman: listen lady I just want to close up and go home

Echeb: I'll get them out sorry about this

Barman: ok so who's settling up the tab?

Echeb: (grabs Chakotay' s credit card) he is there you go. (to the crew) come on everyone out to the transporter pad.

Lea: will there be whiskey there?

Echeb; yes there will be whiskey there now come on.

(by some miracle Echeb manages to get them all to the transporters and sends them all home)

Next morning.

(lea is teaching a class at the academy)

lea: yes cadet that was a brilliant rendition of 'Brain Damage'. Who's up next? Cadet no name how about you?

Cadet no name: I've chosen ' my name is….' As my piece.

(loud tapping at the outside window. Lea looks and sees B'lanna outside)

lea: ok cadets class is finishing early today for tomorrow I want you all to listen to the words of blink 182's 'reckless abandon' and then go out tonight and try and live them. Ok?

Cadets: yes ma'am (all stand up, salute and file out)

Lea: I love this job! (goes to walk out to B'lanna)

In an apartment is New York.

Chakotay: seven you can't leave me!

Seven: that is incorrect and highlights yet another one of your faults.

Chakotay: at least tell me why?

Seven: you lied to me

Chakotay: about what?

Seven: your little problem …. In the bedroom

Chakotay: it's not as bad as it seems I can change!

Seven: you told me all men did the same thing. Now I have discovered differently. Good bye Chakotay

Chakotay: no seven please please don't go!….( sees her transport away) so where did I put Kathryn's number again…..

B'lanna and lea are walking in a park drinking coffee and pushing Miral in her pram.

B'lanna: you see last night it all made sense

Lea: I don't know

B'lanna: if we go back to delta quadrant it will be just like old times

Lea: I have two words for you….Leola root

B'lanna: we can bring lots of rations

Lea: the whole thing of us getting there I mean last time it was thanks to the caretaker

B'lanna; we could use Q.

Lea: how are we going to convince him to do it and how do you know that people even want to go back for that matter?

B'lanna: they will want to come and you can get Q to help us…. Well not Q but his son's. he is a friend of Echeb's and your Echeb's girlfriend so get convincing Echeb to do this.

Lea: B'lanna this is insane . I'm not doing it. I'll talk to you later.

(walks off) 

B'lanna: she'll come around.

Chakotay and the captain are sitting in a restaurant

Chakotay: thanks for coming Kathryn

Capt: well you said you had a problem so I just want to help you.

Chakotay: seven has left me

Capt: (sits up straights) really? Aah poor baby (to herself) now that that Borg Barbie is gone he's mine all mine.

Chakotay: I'm not that upset because I didn't really love her

Capt: you didn't?

Chakotay: no I'm in love with someone else

Capt: who?

Chakotay: you! Kathryn I love you

Capt: I love you too!

That night Lea is sitting at home watching TV

Lea: wonder what's on…hey that's Harry!

Harry: hi everyone and welcome to Harry's delta cooking show!

(audience on TV start clapping and hooting)

Harry: now as you all know I spent seven years in the delta quadrant learning and honing my culinary skills.

Lea: (shouting at the TV) no you didn't you never even know how to cook an egg!

Harry: in my first show of this series I'm going to introduce you to the Delta Quadrant's most loved food- LEOLA ROOT! This fabulous tasting and unique plant is high in everything all the vitamins from A-Zinc. Today I'm going to make Leola root jam.

Lea: this is not right. Every hates Leola root. (dials B'lanna's number)

B'lanna: hello?

Lea: hi B'lanna turn your TV on to channel 29

B'lanna: ok two minutes….. Harry! He's on TV. in a cooking show?

Lea: look what he'scooking

B'lanna: Leola root jam!

Lea: there is something definitely wrong here.

Later that night in a dressing room at channel 29.

Harry: it's all going to plan Leola rot will spread all over the universe and I'll be famous. Mahahaha! And no one will ever guess my secret. Mhahaahahahahahaha!

At Chakotay' s apartment in Paris.

Capt: maybe this is a little fast

Chakotay: maybe it is

Capt: aah fuck it I'm sick of being sensible.

Chakotay: then let's go through to the bedroom

Capt: ok baby

(they go in) Chakotay: there is something I should show you first. It's the reason seven left me.

(he shows her)

Capt.: I don't mind. In fact I think it's kinda sweet.

Chakotay: let's get it on then. (switches on his Barry white tape)

Next day the crew are meeting for lunch to catch up again.

B'lanna: so that's it Harry has a show about Leola root. How weird is that?

Tom: he always hated it even more then I did.

Lea: then what's with this show I mean we all agreed that Leola root was to left behind in the delta quadrant and no one would ever speak of it again.

B'lanna: it's just so unlike Harry.

Echeb: maybe he's just in it for the money. You know, cash in on his experiences.

Tom: doesn't sound like Harry he was always so stupid remember the day he forgot to put on pants?

B'lanna: (shudders) how could we forget? 

Lea: it was horrible we did not need to see Harry's little white pimply legs.

Tom: but that was Harry. Our Harry would never had had the brains to get himself on TV.

At the next table over is Harry listening in on the conversation. He is cleverly disguised as a gorilla.

Harry: so your Harry is stupid is he? Well I'd better go and convince you that I am Harry Kim once and for all.

Back to the crew.

Lea: where are the captain and Chakotay. They should have been here an hour ago.

B'lanna: I know let's just order without them.

Half way though the main course the captain and Chakotay run in.

Tom: how come you two are so late.

B'lanna: (looks at them) hey you two had sex didn't you!

Chakotay: that's none of your business B'lanna

B'lanna: Chakotay and the captain up a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g first comes love then comes marriage then comes baby in a carriage.

Capt: shut it Torres.

Tom: so how long have you two been seeing each other.

Capt: a while

Echeb: Chakotay you were dating seven up until yesterday. Were you cheating on her?

Chakotay: no I would never cheat.

B'lanna: that means you and the captain had a one night stand

Capt: I do not have one night stands. We're we're……engaged!

Chakotay: YES that's it we're engaged

Lea: congratulations I think.

Tom: singing to no one in particular) I was right and you were wrong so I'm going to sing the I was right song, I was right and you were wrong so I'm going to sing the I was right song

(B'lanna hits him)

tom: owwie

B'lanna: you know I hate that song.

Lea: so captain and commander did you see Harry's show last night?

Capt: no what was it on

Lea: how to make Leola root jam.

Chakotay: NOOOOOOOOOOO! You promised me Kathryn you said there would never be Leola root again. Make it go away!

What is going on here? What's with Harry? What's with the Leola root Jam? What's with Chakotay's secret? What's with this story? 

Tune in next time (when I ever get to finish this story) to see the exciting and probably weirder conclusion!


	2. More Mystery!!!!

Ok another little bit I'm putting it up as I write it

Ok another little bit I'm putting it up as I write it. Thank you Lady Chakotay for all your encouragement!

Disclaimer: the usual paramount blah blah blah own everything blah blah blah with the exception of Phil and Lea.

We now see Harry all alone in his apartment.

Harry: so they don't believe me? Well I'll just have to make them believe me. Well time for bed.

(Harry is sitting in front of the mirror, he slowly peels off a mask to reveal-)

Kathryn and Chakotay are at his apartment.

Capt: so are we actually going to get married?

Chakotay: wait till I ask my spirit guide.

(he goes over to medicine bundle and starts meditating)

Phil (his animal guide): hi I'm Phil the Giant Bunny Rabbit Star of such fanfics as 'thank the universe Neelix is gone'….. oh it's you again I thought it was someone interesting

Chakotay: I am interesting!

Phil: yea you keep fooling yourself.

Chakotay: c'mon I need advice

Phil: what is it now? Do I have to explain the birds and the bees to you again or have you forgotten how to put on your pants yet again?

Chakotay: no Kathryn wants to get married

Phil: to you?

Chakotay: yes to me

Phil: did you tell her your secret

Chakotay: yes SHE thought it was sweet while you just laughed

Phil: well I say go for it if a woman that smart is dumb enough to marry you, you deserve her

Chakotay: thank you (runs over to hug him)

Phil: how many times do I have to tell you do not touch the fur. You touchy fur no no.

Chakotay: I'm getting married I'm getting married

Phil: maybe you should tell her that

Chakotay: oh yea. See ya Mr. Giant bunny rabbit

Phil: my name is PHIL!!!!

Chakotay: yea whatever you think yourself Mr. Giant Bunny Rabbit

Harry is creeping around outside Lea and Echeb's house watching them. His mask firmly back in place.

Harry: I have to find out how much they know. I must convince them that I am Harry Kim at least for the time being that is. Mhahahahahaha!

Lea and Echeb are inside unaware that Harry is stalking them.

Lea: so the academy says that after my class running around the campus last night after telling them to live Blink 182's reckless abandon I have to move on to Literature for a while.

Echeb: I was wondering why all these students were trying to get layed and getting wasted

Lea: I know it was fun to watch.

(Echeb gives her a look)

Lea: ok so I have a 2001 sense of humour! Shoot me!

Echeb: what book are you going to do?

Lea: Harry potter series followed by 'Fear and loathing in Los Vegas' and then 'A delusion of Satan' by Frances hill.

Echeb: that's about the Salem witch hunts

Lea: yea but the psychological reasoning for it is very relevant ot my course. So nanananaana! 

Echeb: have you heard any more from B'lanna about her wanting to go back to the delta quadrant?

Lea: no I think she's given up on it. What about the Captain and Chakotay?

Echeb; it was only reasonable that they get together

Lea: stop being so tuvoky!

Harry still outside.

Harry: they seem to know nothing about my true identity. I'll leave them

A few minutes later.

Lea: is he gone?

Echeb: yes he's gone

Lea: so he doesn't know that we know who he really is?

Echeb: yea. Wait till we tell every one. I mean it should have been obvious from the start

Lea: I know it just hit me today

Echeb: we'll tell everyone tomorrow at brunch.

Lea: then we'll have to decide what to do about it.


End file.
